Navigating Identity and Sexuality in A Label-Conscious Society.
To make sense of her experiences with bi-curiosity, writer Miracle Okah spoke with other women trying to understand their bisexual identities and coming to terms with it in a society averse to queer identities.
I have always found women attractive; this is a sentiment most women would likely relate to. However, recently, I have been in a state of internal conflict because while I am mainly attracted to men, I am curious about what it would be like to be with a woman; the thought of exploring and acting on my feelings is something I have never discarded.
In a society where labels on one’s sexuality are placed under the microscope, people tend to tread carefully to avoid identifying or expressing themselves in ways that contradict traditional norms. Despite recognising their own sexual identities, they often hide behind closed doors and keypads due to the fear of being judged by those who stigmatise anything that goes beyond heterosexual orientation.
The non-linear nature of human sexuality allows for the questioning and exploration of people’s feelings and desires. But while labeling one’s sexual identity can offer a sense of clarity and validation for some, for others, it is not always straightforward.
There exists a spectrum of curiosity where people affected may find themselves unable to fit their sexuality into one specific label. It’s the complex nature of sexual orientation; people’s experiences vary and evolve over time.
Exploring relationships outside societal norms while still being attracted to the opposite gender is often classified as bisexuality. According to Mantra Care, bi-curiosity on the other hand, is used to describe people who are curious about or open to exploring their attraction to people of both their own gender or different genders. There is a thin line between finding people of the same gender attractive, feeling curious about what it might be like to be sexually involved with them, and then acting on those feelings. The process of self-discovery when it comes to being curious about one’s sexuality can be emotionally distressing due to the pressure of societal expectations. Affected individuals begin to question their self-worth, beliefs, and sense of belonging within society. To shed more light on this, I spoke to bi-curious people, like myself about how they have navigated it.
Anna*, a Nigerian-based woman, sees bi-curiosity as her liking men and women and not fully admitting that she is not straight. “This is not coming from just a place of fear but a place of not fully understanding my body yet. 7 years ago, I found out that I liked women, and I also know I enjoy being with men just as much,” she says. “It was confusing, but over the past three years, it has become better because I am becoming more open to having this conversation with the people in my life.” She says living in a homophobic country like Nigeria makes it difficult for people to own their truth, which is why she is leaning more towards healthy relationships with people who understand her reality.
Amina*, a Muslim woman, doesn't think she is bi-curious anymore. She claims she has passed that stage. “Although I have never been with a woman, I know I am attracted to women, and even though I am currently seeing a man, I can still feel the attraction towards women”. Amina* said she was confused when she first realised her feelings: “I just kept asking what it meant, but now I have come to accept it. I don't label myself as Bi, yet I would say I am attracted to both genders”.
As a Muslim woman, I asked her if she questioned her beliefs about this reality. “Yes, sometimes I feel like it clashes with my faith, and I sometimes ask myself why I complicate everything”. Amina is trying to be careful as she asserts there is a stigma surrounding bi-curiosity as with that of being queer because anything outside heterosexuality is stigmatised, especially in her country.
“Bi-curiosity to Judith*, a medical doctor, is her identifying as straight but occasionally finding herself wondering what sex with a female will feel like. “I understand bi-curiosity is being curious about different sexualities.
I identify as straight but occasionally find myself wondering what sex with a woman would feel like. I realised I liked lesbian porn and had the biggest crush on my roommate. I am confused, but I guess maybe I am supposed to be Bi. To be honest, it feels like my brain is randomly selective about things like this”.
Judith* says as a Christian, she knows she is not supposed to have other feelings, so she is constantly dealing with the guilt that comes with it. I find myself thinking about sleeping with a girl while in the middle of the act with my male partner. I had the chance to have sex with a girl, but I chickened out because of my religion”. One of Judith’s fears is misidentifying and approaching a lady, only to end up at risk of being called out.
Vivian* identifies as bi-curious and not bi-sexual because most of her feelings towards women are sexual and not romantic, and she is not ready to explore that unless she leaves the country as she nearly fell victim to being cat-fished on a dating app while trying to explore that side of hers. Sewa*, a Women's rights activist, is attracted to women, and she fantasises about being intimate with them, especially when watching lesbian porn. “Despite enjoying sex with men, I'm curious about exploring my sexuality with women. I see curiosity as a phase, and I believe many women experience it, but exploring can help clarify one's true sexuality. I value control over my life, and I will continue to live a heterosexual lifestyle while remaining open to exploration.” Sewa revealed that her past encounter with a bisexual woman didn't go well because the woman only wanted to fulfil her own fantasies.
US-based Avery* shares almost the same opinions as the other women. While she is not afraid of being bisexual, she is not sure if she is bi-curious it, but she is not sure if she wants to explore further. While discussing this, she raised a point that every bi-curious person should know. “I am not afraid to say I have been with girls even as a supposed straight woman in my head. I have always thought there would come a time when I will be with a girl and be cool with it; however, I need to be sure because I don't want to be that person coming to explore with people who are already sure of who they are”.
Avery feels it is unfair to drag another person through a phase you are experiencing, knowing full well you are not sure of who or what you are. Adaora*, an editor who is bisexual, buttressed Avery’s point. “As a bisexual person, I think people who are curious should find other bi-curious people and explore together”.
She feels it is not appropriate to approach lesbians or bisexual women just to ‘explore’ with them and see them as an avenue to let off steam from a man or rehabilitation camps for poor sexual experiences with straight men. “If you are questioning your attraction to other women, find other like-minded women who are curious too and explore together”.
Trying to navigate the bi-curious spectrum might not be easy for people as they sometimes struggle to put a name to their feelings, according to WebMD, people who identify as bi-curious will eventually identify as bisexual once they explore, other times, people who identify as bi-curious will learn that they only enjoy sexual relations with one gender and will identify as gay or straight.
When I realised that I might be bi-curious, I, like so many women out there, sought answers. I was lucky enough to have found answers in a supportive group where I felt comfortable enough to ask questions - a luxury that’s not always available to people depending on class and level of access. I also found, in my journey, that reading articles breaking down the bisexual experience helped me gain a better understanding of my emotions, which helped validate my feelings.
More than anything though, I have learned on my journey towards understanding bi-curiosity and bisexuality, that prioritising my mental health is the first and most important step in letting go of sexual guilt and shrugging off the weight of societal pressure.